![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
soft-princess.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xandrewI'm sorry I forgot to post this here. Bad me. Sorry for those who've already read it. I hope it's new to at least one of you. :-)
Title: Grieving
Author: Soft Princess
E-mail: sofy_slashnuts@hotmail.com
Website: www.seeking-solace.com/theisland
Date: June 1st, 2003
Pairing: Xander/Andrew (sorta)
Rating: PG-13 for self harm and a few curses.
Spoiler: Post Chosen ficlet, beware of spoilers for the series finale.
Summary: Xander and Andrew: Anya, self harm and a Star Trek reference.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, nor the settings. They belong to Joss Whedon, ME, UPN and whoever may have a claim on them.
Notes: Written as an answer to Fairfax's 'Survivor's guilt challenge' posted on InnerGeekdom earlier today. The only thing I couldn't work in was the reference to Timothy Dalton. Sorry.
Also, I made this a 1000 words ficlet, as a challenge to myself. (ok, I had decided on 500 words, but try to shut Xander and Andrew up…*giggle*) There is exactly 1000 words in this. Go me. *grin*
This is my first fic in a while. Hopefully, this will have helped with the writer's block.
Thanks to Kristin for the beta and to Michelle, Mare and Trixx for reading it and telling me it wasn't crap. Also, big thanks to Kaz for the encouragements.
***
Xander looked up from his book as he heard the sound of a cracking whip in the room next to his. This wasn't normal. He got out of bed and put his book back on the bedside table. Not that he had been reading it anyway, he just couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept in more than a week now... Every time he closed his eyes, he could see her, standing there with Andrew and…
*Crrrrrrrack!*
It had to stop!
Quickly, he walked to Andrew's room. This really wasn't like him. It sounded like he was…
Xander opened the door swiftly.
…hurting himself with a whip.
"What the hell are you doing?!?!?" Xander yelled as he crossed the room, grabbed the whip and broke the handle, before throwing it away in anger.
"He deserves it."
Xander turned to the girl in the doorway, glaring at the newly-empowered slayer. "You shut the fuck up, Kennedy! No one deserves to beat themselves up with a freakin' whip!" He walked to the door angrily and shut it in the woman's shocked face. If she'd thought he would agree with her on that, then she was very wrong.
Resting his head against the door, Xander took a deep breath before turning back to face Andrew. The young man was still on the floor, kneeling, his hands on his knees, just like when Xander had come in. Though now, there was no whip in his hands and he looked scared.
"What the hell did you think you were doing with that thing?" Xander asked, more calmly, almost caring.
"I… I was…" Andrew stuttered, as he tried to find the right words. "I had to do it." He finally whispered, hiding his face in his hands and moaning as the movement reanimated the pain on his back. That was what he wanted. To be forever reminded of…
"Why?" Xander asked, very gently, as he sat down beside Andrew on the floor and took the young man's hands in his own.
"I…"
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Xander continued, his hands running up and down Andrew's arms, in a soothing gesture.
"I should have died." Came the heartfelt whisper.
"What… why?"
"I was prepared to die. She wasn't."
Xander's heart skipped a beat and he looked away. Turning back slowly towards Andrew, he could see the young man's eyes on him, pain and sorrow clearly written on his face.
"Andrew, it's not your fault."
"It is. She saved my life… if she hadn't maybe…" Andrew argued.
Xander shook his head. "No, Andrew… you shouldn't be thinking that… everything that happens does for a reason. If you're here, it's cause you're meant to be and she wasn't." Xander took a deep breath. "She was…" He sniffled, trying to keep the tears from falling. He hadn't cried since... And he wasn't going to start now. "She was… God, I can't do this…" He threw his head back and rested it against the bed. "She was important to me, Andrew, very much." Against his will, tears started to fall quietly down his cheeks. "I loved her…" He wrapped his arms around himself. "God, I loved her so much." And he let himself cry.
As he sobbed, he could feel Andrew's hesitant hand, reaching for him and settling on his arm. No more words were spoken for the longest time as two souls finally grieved. Together.
Xander finally looked up at Andrew's tear soaked face, their tears subsiding. "Never say you didn't deserve to live." He said, his voice hoarse with tears. "She didn't deserve to die, but that doesn't mean you did."
"But I… I did… I killed…"
"You're like… our Seven of Nine." Xander interrupted him. "You did some bad stuff after being brainwashed, but now, you're fighting on the good side. You're part of the crew now, even if it did take us a lot of time to accept you."
"I work for the Federation now, fighting against the evil Borg?" Andrew asked, tears threatening to come back.
Xander's swollen cheeks and reddened eyes lightened up with a smile. "You got it, Captain."
Andrew blushed. "Ah, no, Buffy's like Janeway, so she's the captain."
Xander laughed lightly. "If Buffy's Janeway, then who am I?"
"You're like… Chakotay. Right hand guy to the Captain." Andrew blushed a deeper red, starting to squirm a little; the cuts on his back were itching.
"We should take care of that." Xander said, as he stood up and helped Andrew to his feet.
"It's ok, it'll heal… I mean… it's not like you have to do anything…"
Xander gently caressed Andrew's hand. "Yeah, I think I do." He smiled lightly and cocked his head. "Now, lie down on your bed and I'll go get the first aid kit."
"Aye aye, Captain." Andrew smiled as he laid down on his stomach. His back really did hurt.
Xander came back quickly and started to clean up the wounds carefully, trying to make it hurt as little as possible. Soon, the young man's back was clean and covered with gauze.
"Thank you," Andrew whispered as he turned around and looked at Xander, who was still kneeling beside him.
Xander shrugged. "It's nothing… really."
Andrew smiled sadly. "We should have a sort of ceremony… for Anya. You know, like they did in the second movie when Spock died."
Xander nodded.
"Cause it feels like she just disappeared and everyone's forgotten her and…" Andrew stopped, realizing he probably was talking too much… again.
"We'd honor her memory by doing that." Xander laid down beside the blond and looked into his eyes. "Thank you. It's a very thoughtful idea. Tomorrow, ok? We should sleep."
Andrew smiled and nodded. "Yeah, tomorrow. We could have flowers and maybe a dove. You think she'd like it if we'd have a dove?"
Xander nodded and watched Andrew close his eyes. Not thinking twice, he reached and gently kissed the young man's lips. "Good night, Andrew." He said before giving in to sleep.
Title: Grieving
Author: Soft Princess
E-mail: sofy_slashnuts@hotmail.com
Website: www.seeking-solace.com/theisland
Date: June 1st, 2003
Pairing: Xander/Andrew (sorta)
Rating: PG-13 for self harm and a few curses.
Spoiler: Post Chosen ficlet, beware of spoilers for the series finale.
Summary: Xander and Andrew: Anya, self harm and a Star Trek reference.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, nor the settings. They belong to Joss Whedon, ME, UPN and whoever may have a claim on them.
Notes: Written as an answer to Fairfax's 'Survivor's guilt challenge' posted on InnerGeekdom earlier today. The only thing I couldn't work in was the reference to Timothy Dalton. Sorry.
Also, I made this a 1000 words ficlet, as a challenge to myself. (ok, I had decided on 500 words, but try to shut Xander and Andrew up…*giggle*) There is exactly 1000 words in this. Go me. *grin*
This is my first fic in a while. Hopefully, this will have helped with the writer's block.
Thanks to Kristin for the beta and to Michelle, Mare and Trixx for reading it and telling me it wasn't crap. Also, big thanks to Kaz for the encouragements.
***
Xander looked up from his book as he heard the sound of a cracking whip in the room next to his. This wasn't normal. He got out of bed and put his book back on the bedside table. Not that he had been reading it anyway, he just couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept in more than a week now... Every time he closed his eyes, he could see her, standing there with Andrew and…
*Crrrrrrrack!*
It had to stop!
Quickly, he walked to Andrew's room. This really wasn't like him. It sounded like he was…
Xander opened the door swiftly.
…hurting himself with a whip.
"What the hell are you doing?!?!?" Xander yelled as he crossed the room, grabbed the whip and broke the handle, before throwing it away in anger.
"He deserves it."
Xander turned to the girl in the doorway, glaring at the newly-empowered slayer. "You shut the fuck up, Kennedy! No one deserves to beat themselves up with a freakin' whip!" He walked to the door angrily and shut it in the woman's shocked face. If she'd thought he would agree with her on that, then she was very wrong.
Resting his head against the door, Xander took a deep breath before turning back to face Andrew. The young man was still on the floor, kneeling, his hands on his knees, just like when Xander had come in. Though now, there was no whip in his hands and he looked scared.
"What the hell did you think you were doing with that thing?" Xander asked, more calmly, almost caring.
"I… I was…" Andrew stuttered, as he tried to find the right words. "I had to do it." He finally whispered, hiding his face in his hands and moaning as the movement reanimated the pain on his back. That was what he wanted. To be forever reminded of…
"Why?" Xander asked, very gently, as he sat down beside Andrew on the floor and took the young man's hands in his own.
"I…"
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Xander continued, his hands running up and down Andrew's arms, in a soothing gesture.
"I should have died." Came the heartfelt whisper.
"What… why?"
"I was prepared to die. She wasn't."
Xander's heart skipped a beat and he looked away. Turning back slowly towards Andrew, he could see the young man's eyes on him, pain and sorrow clearly written on his face.
"Andrew, it's not your fault."
"It is. She saved my life… if she hadn't maybe…" Andrew argued.
Xander shook his head. "No, Andrew… you shouldn't be thinking that… everything that happens does for a reason. If you're here, it's cause you're meant to be and she wasn't." Xander took a deep breath. "She was…" He sniffled, trying to keep the tears from falling. He hadn't cried since... And he wasn't going to start now. "She was… God, I can't do this…" He threw his head back and rested it against the bed. "She was important to me, Andrew, very much." Against his will, tears started to fall quietly down his cheeks. "I loved her…" He wrapped his arms around himself. "God, I loved her so much." And he let himself cry.
As he sobbed, he could feel Andrew's hesitant hand, reaching for him and settling on his arm. No more words were spoken for the longest time as two souls finally grieved. Together.
Xander finally looked up at Andrew's tear soaked face, their tears subsiding. "Never say you didn't deserve to live." He said, his voice hoarse with tears. "She didn't deserve to die, but that doesn't mean you did."
"But I… I did… I killed…"
"You're like… our Seven of Nine." Xander interrupted him. "You did some bad stuff after being brainwashed, but now, you're fighting on the good side. You're part of the crew now, even if it did take us a lot of time to accept you."
"I work for the Federation now, fighting against the evil Borg?" Andrew asked, tears threatening to come back.
Xander's swollen cheeks and reddened eyes lightened up with a smile. "You got it, Captain."
Andrew blushed. "Ah, no, Buffy's like Janeway, so she's the captain."
Xander laughed lightly. "If Buffy's Janeway, then who am I?"
"You're like… Chakotay. Right hand guy to the Captain." Andrew blushed a deeper red, starting to squirm a little; the cuts on his back were itching.
"We should take care of that." Xander said, as he stood up and helped Andrew to his feet.
"It's ok, it'll heal… I mean… it's not like you have to do anything…"
Xander gently caressed Andrew's hand. "Yeah, I think I do." He smiled lightly and cocked his head. "Now, lie down on your bed and I'll go get the first aid kit."
"Aye aye, Captain." Andrew smiled as he laid down on his stomach. His back really did hurt.
Xander came back quickly and started to clean up the wounds carefully, trying to make it hurt as little as possible. Soon, the young man's back was clean and covered with gauze.
"Thank you," Andrew whispered as he turned around and looked at Xander, who was still kneeling beside him.
Xander shrugged. "It's nothing… really."
Andrew smiled sadly. "We should have a sort of ceremony… for Anya. You know, like they did in the second movie when Spock died."
Xander nodded.
"Cause it feels like she just disappeared and everyone's forgotten her and…" Andrew stopped, realizing he probably was talking too much… again.
"We'd honor her memory by doing that." Xander laid down beside the blond and looked into his eyes. "Thank you. It's a very thoughtful idea. Tomorrow, ok? We should sleep."
Andrew smiled and nodded. "Yeah, tomorrow. We could have flowers and maybe a dove. You think she'd like it if we'd have a dove?"
Xander nodded and watched Andrew close his eyes. Not thinking twice, he reached and gently kissed the young man's lips. "Good night, Andrew." He said before giving in to sleep.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 09:25 am (UTC)- ßart
no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 02:19 pm (UTC)- ßart
no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 05:17 pm (UTC)Why wasn't the imagery with Andrew whipping himself more graphic, or disturbing? There was no description of blood, or the state of his clothes, or how badly hurt he really was. You're supposed to make me feel for this character and make me want him to stop hurting himself. Go into more detail about this, or find a less dramatic or more relatable way for him to do it (cutting, etc.).
One thing that really bothered me is this: "You shut the fuck up, Kennedy! No one deserves to beat themselves up with a freakin' whip!"
I don't think it's very in character of Xander just to blow up and somebody like that. Especially not to swear. I know it was TV and you're not allowed to swear on TV, but Xander still isn't the type to say 'shut the fuck up'. Besides, he doesn't really have that much animosity towards Kennedy, and he would try to accept her because she's with Willow now. I think that's your own anger at the character shining through. She didn't even have to be there. And what does Kennedy have against Andrew at this point that would make her say that he deserved it?
Another point about Xander's character. I don't really think he would cry. He wasn't that upset at Anya's death, or was he surprised. He seemed proud of her. Sure he'd be sad she was gone, but I think he's already to the point of acceptance. Just my opinion though, so you can completely disregard that.
And holding yourself to write exactly 1000 words with this kind of story I think held you back. People think that being able to write just 1000 words of story somehow makes them a better author. Its a good exercise, but better used with longer prose, and not a dialogue-ridden piece like this. I'd really like to see you write this again, but without any restrictions holding you back.
I like the Star Trek references, especially the making Xander like Chakotay part. Nice. I think you kind of stretched the reference a little thin though. Take it down a notch.
So please, write this again, I would really like to see what you can do with this story when you really put a good effort into it.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 06:04 pm (UTC)Personally, I wouldn't want a graphic description of Andrew's wounds from whipping himself. When only the briefest of details are given, it allows the reader to fill in the rest with his or her own imagination, often far crueler than what the author would write.
As for Xander's crying- I don't think we saw his true grieving in 'Chosen'. He was still sleeping with Anya, so my guess would be that he hadn't had time to deal with her death-- after all, he had only a few minutes to realize that she's dead and get confirmation from Andrew prior to the end of the episode. IMHO, the boy was in shock and will grieve very soon. This also fits in with Xander blowing up, while that might not have been what his character would have done prior to Season 7, the guy's been through a lot. I don't think he's really accepted the loss of his eye yet. Couple that with the loss of his ex-girlfriend, his home, his job and all his memories ... I can see how he would be short-tempered.
And I think Sofy chose to keep this to 1000 words because she doesn't have a lot of time to write, but still wanted to write something Xandrew-y. As for the Kennedy thing- this was in response to a challenge which asked for Kennedy to get yelled at. :) Hence the character insertion. Same thing with the Star Trek reference.
I hope I'm not out of line here, but *shrugs* just my opinion as an English teacher. It always helps to know the background to a fic to understand why an author chose to do a, b, and Xander. *grins* Or c. Whichever floats your boat (I'd choose Xander personally).
no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 09:20 pm (UTC)As for Xander crying, I think he's been holding up so much since Hell's Bells and then Dirty Girls and finally Chosen, that he needs to break down at one point. And after Anya's death, I'm pretty sure he would cry. She's been his love since Season Four and now she's gone. He wouldn't just stay stoic and not grieve. It'll take a while to sink in, but when it finally does, he'll cry.
People think that being able to write just 1000 words of story somehow makes them a better author.
This is absolutely not the reason why I did that. Really not. I've been writing in this fandom for over a year and even though I KNOW I'm not a great writer, I don't try to do exercises like that to make me better.
I did the 1000 word thing because my muse has be MIA for over 2 months and I'm trying to bring her back. I haven't written on any of my big stories in a long while and these exercises in writing shorter stories are helping me bringing her back without starting new epics that I won't be able to finish, which I really don't need, considering I've started about 10 of them already.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to write it again. For reasons explained in the paragraph before. This was just an exercise to help bring back my muse. I understand that it's not the best I could/should do in better times, but right now, it's about as good as I can make it. Sorry.
BTW, I'm glad you commented at lenght on it. I'm not angry or whatever. Actually, I think you're helping me see what I need to work on. Hopefully, my muse will stay 'round long enough for me to try...
Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 09:21 pm (UTC)*smooch* Thanks sweetie! :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-06-09 12:33 am (UTC)Thanks for not being mad at me. I was worried you'd hate me or something. I do hope you really did take something constructive from my rant. And I know what it feels like to have your muse go MIA. I've been like that for the past few months and I'm only now getting her to move her things back in. Though she did bring me back some good stuff from Scotland...